A word on behalf of the rest of us
Cross-posted on DovBear's blog here.
Nearly forty years ago, I was having a nice Shabbat lunch with some friends when someone mentioned the name Michal. “Who’s Michal?,” I asked. “Am Haaretz! You don’t know who Michal is?!” I left the apartment in tears, my Shabbos ruined. Sure, I knew that I was an Am Haaretz, a Jewishly-illiterate Jew, but I never expected to have a simple, civil question answered with an insult that left me humiliated in the presence of a roomful of guests. I was so mortified by the experience that I was afraid ever to ask that question again, lest I find myself embarrassed once more. It would be several years before I finally learned, on my own, that Michal was the daughter of Shaul HaMelech (King Saul) and the wife of David HaMelech (King David).
Fast-forward almost 40 years. I just received a kind offer from some old friends to make a donation in memory of my recently-deceased father. In their e-mail, they asked whether my father’s correct name was Baruch Dayan Emet My-Father’s-Last-Name. After the initial shock of realizing that my friends of over 20 years had no idea what Baruch Dayan Emet meant, I reflected on the likelihood that I was in the same boat a few decades ago. I thought that it would be appropriate for my response to reflect both my own late start and my memory of how I’d felt at having a simple request for information thrown back in my face. So I answered that Baruch Dayan Emet means “Blessed is the True Judge,” and is the phrase traditionally used to send, or respond to, news of a person’s death, and I told them my father’s first name.
Those of you who were raised Orthodox and/or had the privilege of attending a full-day Jewish school sometimes take your Jewish knowledge for granted, and don’t understand just how fortunate you are. By the time you became a Bar or Bat Mitzvah, you already knew what I’m still learning at the age of 62. My question is, how do you interact with the rest of us?
You have two choices.
You can mock us and/or humiliate us in public, and thus, drive us away from Jewish tradition.
Or you can answer even what appears to you to be a stupid question with patience, respect, and a smile, and draw us closer to Jewish tradition.
The choice is yours. Please think responsibly.
posted by Shira Salamone at 12:50 PM
10 Comments:
Such a shame that you were so embarassed about a lack of knowledge - and no one should be ashamed of asking a question. You did a lovely job relating your experiences on both sides of this issue.
Doesn't Judaism teach that embarassing someone is a sin? Isn't it equated with the sin of killing someone? Mmm...
Kathy, thank you.
I, too, have heard that embarrassing a person in public is considered by the rabbis to be similar to killing that person, but I don't know the text in which that opinion is found. If anyone could enlighten me, I'd certainly appreciate it.
Shira, that's a great post. I also want to offer my condolences on the death of your father. HaMakom yenachem etchem b'toch she'ar avlei Zion v'Yerushalayim (May God comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem).
Katrina, thanks for the compliment, and thank you for your kind wishes.
Dear Shira,
I just read this on DovBear.
The way you tell the story--you make it sound as if someone was trying to insult you, making a deliberate effort to humiliate you in front of others. I find it hard to believe that someone thought, "I want to hurt this woman's feelings and embarass her in front of everyone here." Why would anyone do such a thing, especially in front of other people? I've never witnessed, or even heard of, in incident like the one you describe. It just doesn't happen, Shira.
I'm very sorry if what I'm going to say comes off the wrong way. You overreacted when this happened to you all those years ago. What was going on was normal Shabbos table conversation. You were oversensitive to a benign remark.
Your essay is revealing of your perception of the world. You think it happens often that people try to insult and embarass less learned people in public. You must think that this happens often, because you wrote a whole essay imploring people not to behave this way. You also write that you held back for years before asking again who Michal was, for fear of looking foolish. This is, to put it mildly, quite odd.
Are you familiar with Avoidant Personality Disorder, Shira? According to the World Health Organization, a diagnosis of APD must include at least four of the following symptoms (two of which I highlight because you exhibit them):
1. persistent and pervasive feelings of tension and apprehension;
2. belief that one is socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others;
3. excessive preoccupation with being criticized or rejected in social situations;
4. unwillingness to become involved with people unless certain of being liked;
5. restrictions in lifestyle because of need to have physical security;
6. avoidance of social or occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact because of fear of criticism, disapproval, or rejection.
What's more likely: That you live in a world full of inexplicably nasty people eager to cause pain to others? Or that you're oversensitive?
Remember that you are supposed to give each and every Jew the benefit of the doubt. Ask yourself: How did you made the person you think insulted you feel when he saw you crying?
M, I didn't cry visibly. I got tears in my eyes, but I held them back. I didn't want to ruin anyone else's Shabbat, especially since it occurred to me that the speaker might not have realized that her words could be interpreted as an insult. There's an old saying, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder," and something similar can be said about insults--sometimes an insult is in the ear of the listener. It is possible that I overreacted.
Shira,
Re: your request for a citation earlier, see Baba Metzia, 58b.
What's more likely: That you live in a world full of inexplicably nasty people eager to cause pain to others? Or that you're oversensitive?
This is one of the most obnoxious comments I have ever read. Who are you to try and analyze something that happened more than 40 years ago.
It is mean, obnoxious and wrong.
I find it hard to believe that someone thought, "I want to hurt this woman's feelings and embarass her in front of everyone here." Why would anyone do such a thing, especially in front of other people? I've never witnessed, or even heard of, in incident like the one you describe. It just doesn't happen, Shira.
So what you are saying is that because you have never seen anything like this happen it is impossible.
Newsflash that is a straw man argument. I could list 50 examples of things that you have never witnessed or heard of that happen every day. Based upon your flimsy argument they would all be fabrications, except the thing is that they are all real.
Remember that you are supposed to give each and every Jew the benefit of the doubt.
So ask yourself a question, what purpose did your comment serve? Then follow up with why did you need to say this and was it necessary?
You owe Shira an apology.
Geoffrey, thank you for the information. Being basically illiterate in Talmud, I would have no idea where to look.
Jack, thanks for coming to my defense. I think that M has overlooked the middle ground, which is that the remark may not have been intended as an insult, but might reasonably have been perceived as one. What's so strange about a person who's been called an ignoramus in public feeling insulted?
M - I think YOU just proved Shira's point perfectly. Perhaps she should thank you actually, as you perfectly illustrated her story! Her story did a good job of showing how rude and insulting some people can be and how hurtful it is... but you? You just went out of your way to verbally slam her to the ground - calling her mentally ill - right in front of us all and showed us a prime example. wow. awesome.
Thank you M for showing us all exactly how not to behave.
Thank you Shira for being so caring as to not just share your story but to take it into consideration to be so sensitive to the feelings of others who are now in the place you once were. We appreciate it!
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